War cries are as old as wars themselves.
The Greeks screamed “Alala!!!” while
slicing their enemies to bits in the Peloponnesian War. Japanese forces in World War II yelled
“Banzai!!!” to overwhelm their foes, and who could forget Mel Gibson’s William
Wallace shout “You can take our lives, but you never take our FREEDOM!!!”
But as fearless,
fired up, and terror-inducing as these harrowing howls may have been, they are
whispers lost in a gust of wind in comparison to the scariest and shrillest
battle cry that escapes the over-glossed lips of the world’s newest Napoleon’s,
Attila’s, and Alexander The Great’s.
“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
According to Urban
Dictionary, a “woo-girl” is a female who is often found going
“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” in public,
often in the presence of other woo-girls.
Science and
observation has risen multiple hypotheses, speculating that “woo” is actually a
tribal mating call where the “wooer” shouts “woo” after a beverage in order to
attract men of lesser intelligence: guys that fit one of the following
demographics
1. Wear tank tops
in January
2. Sport ironic
Fargo hats while sipping AMFs when they’re not 22
3. Overuse the
words “yo” “sup” “bro” or “brah”
4. Look like they’re
from the Eastside (or Jersey, the original Eastside)
The men that fall
into one of these categories, also known as “woo-men”, and are lured into the
thralls of the shrieking sirens. They
commonly respond by approaching the loudest of these tribal warriors (or the
one with the biggest knockers) and offers to buy them a beverage. They approach the bar and wave their green
papers Lincolns like they’re Benjamins, thinking that $5 and excess hair gel
will grab the attention of the bartender, who likely already has a line of
people they’re serving and knows that:
1. That $5 bill is
not tip
2. The Eastside
dude will likely be shocked that the lemondrop, cosmo, vodka cranberry or shot
of tequila actually costs more than $5 (welcome to city life!)
3. That’s not the
only “5” these dudes are packing.
After the
bartender makes the “woo-girl” a sex-on-the-beach and the “woo-man” another
Long Island, the “woo-man” throws the laundry change in the tip jar, says to
the bartender “I’ll get you next time, bro,” and attempts to fist bump said bartender.
The “woo-man” then
joins their “woo-mate” in another
“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
This “woo” is followed
by gagging because the bartender likely knows that they weren’t getting a
decent tip for these beverages and therefore doesn’t even attempt to make them
drinkable. This process continues for
two of three times or until:
1. The “woo-girl”
or one of her battle comrades gets too drunk and they all have to go home,
OR
2. The “woo-man”
convinces the “woo-girl” to go back to his cave for drunk, unsatisfying
copulation that results in a morning with bad breath, 7 texts from the friends
the “woo-girl” ditched, a missing heel they left on the stairs of the bar, and
a $20 Uber ride home.
Later that day,
the “woo-girl” is inspired by episodes of “Sex and the City” to have brunch
with her gal pals and they recant the night, try and find the missing heel
(while making Cinderella references and telling the “woo-girl” that he’s, like,
totes gonna call), and then they plan to do it all again.
Their persistence,
fervor, and undying optimism whilst imbibing liquid courage makes these packs
of warriors the fiercest and most unrelenting world conquers that the planet
has ever seen. And if you think they’re
terrifying on weekends, just wait until karaoke night.
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