Monday, December 1, 2014

Woo Girls, and why we should all be afraid of them

War cries are as old as wars themselves.

The Greeks screamed “Alala!!!” while slicing their enemies to bits in the Peloponnesian War.  Japanese forces in World War II yelled “Banzai!!!” to overwhelm their foes, and who could forget Mel Gibson’s William Wallace shout “You can take our lives, but you never take our FREEDOM!!!”

But as fearless, fired up, and terror-inducing as these harrowing howls may have been, they are whispers lost in a gust of wind in comparison to the scariest and shrillest battle cry that escapes the over-glossed lips of the world’s newest Napoleon’s, Attila’s, and Alexander The Great’s.


According to Urban Dictionary, a “woo-girl” is a female who is often found going “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” in public, often in the presence of other woo-girls. 

Science and observation has risen multiple hypotheses, speculating that “woo” is actually a tribal mating call where the “wooer” shouts “woo” after a beverage in order to attract men of lesser intelligence: guys that fit one of the following demographics

1. Wear tank tops in January
2. Sport ironic Fargo hats while sipping AMFs when they’re not 22
3. Overuse the words “yo” “sup” “bro” or “brah”
4. Look like they’re from the Eastside (or Jersey, the original Eastside)

The men that fall into one of these categories, also known as “woo-men”, and are lured into the thralls of the shrieking sirens.  They commonly respond by approaching the loudest of these tribal warriors (or the one with the biggest knockers) and offers to buy them a beverage.  They approach the bar and wave their green papers Lincolns like they’re Benjamins, thinking that $5 and excess hair gel will grab the attention of the bartender, who likely already has a line of people they’re serving and knows that:

1. That $5 bill is not tip
2. The Eastside dude will likely be shocked that the lemondrop, cosmo, vodka cranberry or shot of tequila actually costs more than $5 (welcome to city life!)
3. That’s not the only “5” these dudes are packing.
After the bartender makes the “woo-girl” a sex-on-the-beach and the “woo-man” another Long Island, the “woo-man” throws the laundry change in the tip jar, says to the bartender “I’ll get you next time, bro,”  and attempts to fist bump said bartender.

The “woo-man” then joins their “woo-mate” in another “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

This “woo” is followed by gagging because the bartender likely knows that they weren’t getting a decent tip for these beverages and therefore doesn’t even attempt to make them drinkable.  This process continues for two of three times or until:

1. The “woo-girl” or one of her battle comrades gets too drunk and they all have to go home,
2. The “woo-man” convinces the “woo-girl” to go back to his cave for drunk, unsatisfying copulation that results in a morning with bad breath, 7 texts from the friends the “woo-girl” ditched, a missing heel they left on the stairs of the bar, and a $20 Uber ride home.

Later that day, the “woo-girl” is inspired by episodes of “Sex and the City” to have brunch with her gal pals and they recant the night, try and find the missing heel (while making Cinderella references and telling the “woo-girl” that he’s, like, totes gonna call), and then they plan to do it all again. 

Their persistence, fervor, and undying optimism whilst imbibing liquid courage makes these packs of warriors the fiercest and most unrelenting world conquers that the planet has ever seen.  And if you think they’re terrifying on weekends, just wait until karaoke night.

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