Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Bar jokes, because I'm like, 5.

Number 1:
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Fries: $2
Burger: $5
Hand Job: $20

He checks his wallet and sees a flirty bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"I am sure," the bartender says with a wink.

"Then wash yer damn hands! I want a burger."

Number 2:

A guy walks into a bar and notices that the tip jar is filled with $20s. The man approaches the bartender and says, "Wow, are your drinks really that good?"

"What?"  The bartender replies.  "No, this isn't my tip jar.  These are all $20s from people that have failed my bar challenge."

"What's your bar challenge?" asks the man

"Drop a $20 in and I'll tell you."

The man shrugs and drops a $20 in the jar..

"OK," the bartender said, using his best Mr. Miyagi voice.  " Your first challenge is to drink all of the spilled alcohols on the bar mats.  I'll pour it into a pint glass and top it off with some Jager and Fireball, just for kicks.  You have to drink the entire pint!

"For your second challenge, there's a mountain lion in the back with a sore tooth.  You must remove the tooth with your bare hands. 

"Finally, for your third challenge, You must give Old Lady Sally an orgasm.  She's 102-years-old and and has never had one in her life."

The man wipes the sweat that's collected on his brow by just thinking the challenges placed before him.  But then he looked at the $20s in the jar and contemplated his decision.  "And if I accomplish all of these tasks... I get ALL of that money?"

"Yes sir."

"All right," the guy said, wincing, "bring on the bar mat cocktail!"

The bartender process to dump all of the liquid into a pint glass, and filled the rest with Jager and Fireball as promised.  He handed the glass to the man, who began to down the pint, holding his nose and pretending that it was just flavored water.  He finishes it, turns green, but then keeps all of it down.  However, as he goes to get up he begins to stagger. 

Shit! he thought. I'm gonna be black out drunk soon. I've got to complete these last twee trasks qwuckelly! 

The man staggers out back toward the mountain lion and the bartender cringes, while he listens to the growling, yelping and screams that he cannot see. And then... silence. 

Right before the bartender goes to call for an ambulance, the man stumbles back into the bar, battered and bruised, and with holes in his shirt. 

"SO," he says, "wherez ol' Sally with hurr sore tooth?"

And number 3, but I love a good knee slapper:

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.  It was tense. 


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