Thursday, December 18, 2014

Amazing People and Insufferable Bastards: The Server's Edition

I believe that the world would be a much better place if it was a requirement for all people to work in some facet of the service industry for a few months.  You will likely learn when interacting with people that some of them are amazing, and others are total bastards!  Here’s a list of people pretty spectacular bastards and their amazing counterparts:

Bastard:  The Apologizer
This bastard might be friendly, might not, but unless they’re a regular you’ll have flames—flames coming out the side of your head when you notice that your tip has been rounded to the nearest dollar and they leave a message saying “Sorry, I’m broke.”  The solution here is simple:  If you’re broke, don’t go out to eat.  You can make a burger at home for much cheaper than $10-$15 before tax and tip, and you won’t be hated afterward.

Amazing Counterpart: The Returner
If this particular bastard genuinely feels bad about leaving laundry change (in 1955… laundry is expensive these days), they will return another day to 1. Give you cash for the tip or 2. Tip extra the next time they’re there.  These people are rare, but I’ve had them both—and they’re awesome!!!

Bastard: The Number Giver
Why, why, why, why, why, why, WHY does anyone think that a server will call them if they leave their number and then a shitty tip?  You’re already telling us that you’re cheap and inconsiderate, but if you’re leaving your phone number as well you’re either arrogant or completely clueless.  Also, never use the line “how about I buy you dinner instead?” or anything of the sort.  Sure you can buy dinner, but fucking tip first!

Awesome Counterpart:  The Considerate Number Giver
If you like the server or bartending it’s okay to leave a number, but recognize that you’re tipping skills is a huge tell.  There have been dates that I refused to follow through on solely because of bad tipping, and I would never hold out until dinner is bought for me instead… who you think will be tipping then? Probably not Slimeball McSleezypants.

Bastard: The Needer
They will usually start a sentence with “I need” and then give you a list of very important instructions… then on top of that they’ll flag anyone that looks like a staff member down any time they walk by so that they can receive every last one of their “needs.”  But let’s face it, if you don’t put the dressing on the side or allow for the mashed potatoes to touch the steak, THEY WILL DIE!!!!!
Also, the following are needs: air, water, food.  Almost everything else is a want.  Having the crusts taken off of your bread or your burger cut into fourths is a want, not a need… you prick.

Awesome Counterpart: The Wanter, or the “I would like”-r
Simple.  These people “want” or “would like” items on the menu or behind the bar.  They will not spontaneously combust if you don’t carry mint out of season, or if you accidently put mayo on the bun.  They’re also, just in general, not as “needy.”
OK fun story: I once had a grown man who was afraid of mayo, and a “Needer”, and a total douche.  He didn’t have allergies to mayo or anything, but God forbid his water ever get below 3/4ths of a way full.  He also made a few racial slurs towards the busser, which is really, really uncool.  So for fun, I opted out of subbing “no mayo.”  When his burger came he saw it, turned whiter than a Seattlite’s ass cheeks, screamed, ran into the bathroom and burst into tears.  If he wasn’t a total dick and a racist, I might have felt bad… if it wasn’t so damn funny.

Bastard:  The “I’ll get the bill” Guy (or Girl)
This bastard is an “amazing” person in bastard’s clothing.  She is probably the best friend of the birthday girl, or the patriarch of the family.  They’re usually super nice and courteous to the server and their friends, and to them impressions are everything.  When the food reduces to crumbs and the drinks are nothing but tiny ice glaciers in a watered-down concoction, they’ll offer to pay for the whole check and receive praise from those around them.  Unfortunately, just because they’re generous with their friends doesn’t mean that they’ll be generous with you.  Once that meal is done, you’re out of the equation.  You’re not going to the next bar with them.  You’re not gonna be joining them on the dance floor or “friending” them on Facebook.  You’re never gonna see them again, and they might treat you like it.  Yes, they’ll pay for the whole bill, but they ain’t be gonna tippin’ the full percentage.  Not-uh, no ma’am!  It’s $3 for you… which of course all goes to the bussers, expo and host.

Amazing Counterpart:  The “I’ll get the bill” Guy (or Girl)
They are their own counterparts because, while there are a few genuine bastards out there, a lot of these people will tip you justifiably whether they’ll see you again or not because they’re awesome.

2nd Amazing Counterpart: The Check-Splitters
I might be in the minority here, but as long as people mention in advance that they’re splitting checks, or if they’re orders aren’t complicated or so convoluted that it’s impossible for you to figure out who got what, I’d split checks over getting a large single bill any day of the week.  Sure there might be a bastard in the bunch, but you’ll counteract it with the amazing people that are also there.  You can also think of it in terms of stocks.  Would you rather:  invest in one stock and have it either succeed or fail, or invest in a mutual fund, which usually succeeds, even if their success rate is sometimes not as profitable as the success rate of a single stock? I heart my mutual funds J

I will add a few more of these later.  Also, fellow peeps, if you have a few that you’d like to share, please let me know and I’ll be sure to add them in the next post!!!

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