I
believe that the world would be a much better place if it was a requirement for
all people to work in some facet of the service industry for a few months. You will likely learn when interacting with
people that some of them are amazing, and others are total bastards! Here’s a list of people pretty spectacular
bastards and their amazing counterparts:
Bastard: The Apologizer
This
bastard might be friendly, might not, but unless they’re a regular you’ll have flames—flames coming out the side of your
head when you notice that your tip has been rounded to the nearest dollar
and they leave a message saying “Sorry, I’m broke.” The solution here is simple: If you’re broke, don’t go out to eat. You can make a burger at home for much
cheaper than $10-$15 before tax and tip, and you won’t be hated afterward.
Amazing
Counterpart: The Returner
If
this particular bastard genuinely feels bad about leaving laundry change (in
1955… laundry is expensive these days), they will return another day to 1. Give
you cash for the tip or 2. Tip extra the next time they’re there. These people are rare, but I’ve had them both—and
they’re awesome!!!
Bastard:
The Number Giver
Why,
why, why, why, why, why, WHY does anyone think that a server will call them if
they leave their number and then a shitty tip?
You’re already telling us that you’re cheap and inconsiderate, but if
you’re leaving your phone number as well you’re either arrogant or completely
clueless. Also, never use the line “how
about I buy you dinner instead?” or anything of the sort. Sure you can buy dinner, but fucking tip
first!
Awesome
Counterpart: The Considerate Number
Giver
If
you like the server or bartending it’s okay to leave a number, but recognize
that you’re tipping skills is a huge tell.
There have been dates that I refused to follow through on solely because
of bad tipping, and I would never hold out until dinner is bought for me
instead… who you think will be tipping then? Probably not Slimeball
McSleezypants.
Bastard:
The Needer
They
will usually start a sentence with “I need” and then give you a list of very
important instructions… then on top of that they’ll flag anyone that looks like
a staff member down any time they walk by so that they can receive every last one
of their “needs.” But let’s face it, if
you don’t put the dressing on the side or allow for the mashed potatoes to
touch the steak, THEY WILL DIE!!!!!
Also,
the following are needs: air, water, food.
Almost everything else is a want.
Having the crusts taken off of your bread or your burger cut into fourths
is a want, not a need… you prick.
Awesome
Counterpart: The Wanter, or the “I would like”-r
Simple. These people “want” or “would like” items on
the menu or behind the bar. They will
not spontaneously combust if you don’t carry mint out of season, or if you
accidently put mayo on the bun. They’re
also, just in general, not as “needy.”
OK
fun story: I once had a grown man who was afraid of mayo, and a “Needer”, and a
total douche. He didn’t have allergies
to mayo or anything, but God forbid his water ever get below 3/4ths of a way
full. He also made a few racial slurs towards
the busser, which is really, really
uncool. So for fun, I opted out of subbing
“no mayo.” When his burger came he saw it,
turned whiter than a Seattlite’s ass cheeks, screamed, ran into the bathroom
and burst into tears. If he wasn’t a
total dick and a racist, I might have felt bad… if it wasn’t so damn funny.
Bastard:
The “I’ll get the bill” Guy (or Girl)
This
bastard is an “amazing” person in bastard’s clothing. She is probably the best friend of the birthday
girl, or the patriarch of the family.
They’re usually super nice and courteous to the server and their friends,
and to them impressions are everything. When the food reduces to crumbs and the drinks
are nothing but tiny ice glaciers in a watered-down concoction, they’ll offer
to pay for the whole check and receive praise from those around them. Unfortunately, just because they’re generous
with their friends doesn’t mean that they’ll be generous with you. Once that meal is done, you’re out of the
equation. You’re not going to the next
bar with them. You’re not gonna be joining
them on the dance floor or “friending” them on Facebook. You’re never gonna see them again, and they
might treat you like it. Yes, they’ll
pay for the whole bill, but they ain’t be gonna tippin’ the full
percentage. Not-uh, no ma’am! It’s $3 for you… which of course all goes to
the bussers, expo and host.
Amazing
Counterpart: The “I’ll get the bill” Guy
(or Girl)
They
are their own counterparts because, while there are a few genuine bastards out
there, a lot of these people will tip
you justifiably whether they’ll see you again or not because they’re awesome.
2nd
Amazing Counterpart: The Check-Splitters
I
might be in the minority here, but as long as people mention in advance that they’re
splitting checks, or if they’re orders aren’t complicated or so convoluted that
it’s impossible for you to figure out who got what, I’d split checks over
getting a large single bill any day of the week. Sure there might be a bastard in the bunch,
but you’ll counteract it with the amazing people that are also there. You can also think of it in terms of
stocks. Would you rather: invest in one stock and have it either
succeed or fail, or invest in a mutual fund, which usually succeeds, even if
their success rate is sometimes not as profitable as the success rate of a
single stock? I heart my mutual funds J
I
will add a few more of these later.
Also, fellow peeps, if you have a few that you’d like to share, please
let me know and I’ll be sure to add them in the next post!!!
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